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Warning lights on. Messages flashing! But no start...

So got in my regularly serviced and well-maintained 2011 Outlander II 2.2 DI-D SST today. Doors unlocked as normal, sat in car, turned key... diesel preheat and every other warning light came on and stayed on, with various messages flashing, but no power to start.

Checked battery connections, they're fine. All lights, radio, fan, windscreen wipers are operational, although strangely the hazards are not working. Still absolutely nothing's happening with the engine, not even turning over, no starter motor clicking, just silence...

Any ideas? 😕