George Carlins rules for 2007
#1
01-24-2007, 10:13 PM
George Carlins rules for 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people
for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of famous grown men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay,we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
*******.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just a ********.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months."
"He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of famous grown men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay,we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
*******.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just a ********.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months."
"He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
#2
01-24-2007, 10:33 PM
RE: George Carlins rules for 2007
AMEN except that last one (But I'm kinda biased being that I've got 5 piercings and 3 tats currently).
#3
01-24-2007, 10:42 PM
RE: George Carlins rules for 2007
I've got 2 tats, so i dont agree to the last one.
lol
but hey, in all defense, i dont tat, i pay a guy. lol
lol
but hey, in all defense, i dont tat, i pay a guy. lol
#4
01-25-2007, 12:37 AM
RE: George Carlins rules for 2007
haha, george carlin is the man. If you like that i reccomend reading "when will jesus bring the beef" by him. Thats was a really funny book.
#5
01-25-2007, 12:46 AM
RE: George Carlins rules for 2007
ORIGINAL: TheEngineer
haha, george carlin is the man. If you like that i reccomend reading "when will jesus bring the beef" by him. Thats was a really funny book.
haha, george carlin is the man. If you like that i reccomend reading "when will jesus bring the beef" by him. Thats was a really funny book.
sorry, i'm a Carlin ***.
#6
01-25-2007, 01:30 AM
RE: George Carlins rules for 2007
lol this is pretty funny...and i work at a fast food resturant for above minimum wage mind you! course im only 15...
#7
01-25-2007, 09:35 AM
RE: George Carlins rules for 2007
Oh yea thats right. Its been a while since i read it so i even forgot the title. I knew what i wrote didnt seem right. 
. The best part of that book was the first 4 or 5 pages
. The best part of that book was the first 4 or 5 pages
#8
01-25-2007, 07:02 PM
RE: George Carlins rules for 2007
those are the kind of books that i like to read. and my friend who is 19 is dating his/my substitute teaacher who is 32.
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