jokes and funnies
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 3,348
From: when a man and women fall in love, the man........
jokes and funnies
got something funny or herd a joke? lets hear it
TWINS
A pregnant woman has a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “You had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”
She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise.”
“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”
“Denephew.”
TWINS
A pregnant woman has a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “You had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”
She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise.”
“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”
“Denephew.”
Thread Starter
|
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 3,348
From: when a man and women fall in love, the man........
RE: jokes and funnies
nah...if you wanna see a P/W thread go to http://www.audiforums.com/m_107760/tm.htmITS THE OFFICIAL P/W thread
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,758
From:
RE: jokes and funnies
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, Tammy, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Kelli, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.St. Peter says, Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.Allof a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girlis pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches thefront, St. Peter says,Paula! What seems to be the rush?The girl replies, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Laurie sticks her *** in it
Super Moderator
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,758
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RE: jokes and funnies
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Super Moderator
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,758
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RE: jokes and funnies
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been Dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check thewedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, justcome up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been Dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check thewedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, justcome up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,758
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RE: jokes and funnies
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers,
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!
St.Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
Just a couple of minutes ago."
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers,
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!
St.Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
Just a couple of minutes ago."
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,758
From:
RE: jokes and funnies
A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced
10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her
new husband to,
"Please be gentle... I'm still a virgin".
"What?" exclaimed the new groom. "How can that be
if you've been
married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
telling me how
great it was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never
really sure how
it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into
it and get back
with me.
"Husband #3 was an automotive technician; he said
that everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the engine running.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
he had the
order, ..he didn't know when he would be able to
deliver.
"Husband #5 was a scientist; he understood the basic
principle but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design
a new state-
of- the-art procedure.
"Husband #6 was an Administrator; he thought he knew
how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a
product, he was
never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk
about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look
at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did
was...
God, how I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited," she
continued.
"Wonderful", smiled the husband. "But why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I know I'm
gonna get screwed."
previously divorced
10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her
new husband to,
"Please be gentle... I'm still a virgin".
"What?" exclaimed the new groom. "How can that be
if you've been
married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
telling me how
great it was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never
really sure how
it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into
it and get back
with me.
"Husband #3 was an automotive technician; he said
that everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the engine running.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
he had the
order, ..he didn't know when he would be able to
deliver.
"Husband #5 was a scientist; he understood the basic
principle but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design
a new state-
of- the-art procedure.
"Husband #6 was an Administrator; he thought he knew
how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a
product, he was
never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk
about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look
at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did
was...
God, how I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited," she
continued.
"Wonderful", smiled the husband. "But why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I know I'm
gonna get screwed."
